Things haven't been looking so gloomy lately. I think it might be attributed to having potential boyfriends lurking about.
I haven't seen my therapist in about a month so I actually have a bit of money some days. My angst, that cannot be blamed on teenage hormones any longer, came to a peak while I went to visit some relatives. My great aunt had a private talk with me while my mother was at the lawyers office. It's a talk that I can't really remember what we said to each other but I know what I need to do and I know that I cried in front of an old woman and it was very embarrassing.. I need to sever the cord between mother and only child and I know from personal experience that it's a hard cord to break when you've been conditioned to do the opposite.
I think my own experiences with my family is a pretty big reason as to why I don't want to reproduce. There's too many fucked up children already, why add mine?
Anyway, I thought it brilliant that my aunt would lay her heart out to me in hopes of convincing me that I need to do what makes me happy, not my mother or anyone else.
And then a few weeks later, I caught the most disgusting cold that I thought "Oh crap, I'm dying.. What a messed up way to go.." I didn't die though. Just a really bad cold and while recovering I went out with friends because some of my friends are rich and like to spend it on wierd shit. So there I go and when we stop to get gas I went inside to get some medicine to make the night bareable. And who should I see in the middle of the little gas station? Why my favorite ex-boyfriend who isn't really an ex-boyfriend because things were never really official, we just knew how to have a good time. So it's been like three years since I've seen him and it turns out that he's just moved back and so as of late I've been chilling with him and it's amazing. It's like no time at all has passed but we're very aware of the fact that years have passed and they've been good to us both. He always was the greatest guy to me because he was so free. I really love that.
His family loves me too which is really cool..

Damn.. I babbled so much. I guess it's just because I haven't felt this great in a very long time. I feel like painting music but I have to wake up early tomorrow-- today-- I don't know. Maybe if I'm a good little slave, I can buy some paint and decent paper or canvas.